Miss Teen Singapore

Well, I have a small pantheon (if that’s not a contradiction) of stories, which, when I run out of post ideas I slowly whittle down - this is one of them. Lets call it Miss Teen Singapore - bound to get some hits aren’t I ?!

A few years ago I spent a year living and working in the beautiful island state of Singapore. My friends were mostly British and Australian ex-pats, along with their local wives, girlfriends and a couple of locals who played in our football team. One of the wives was a bit of a minor local celeb, she did some promo work and presenting at events and the occasional TV slots. I’d only really been there for a week or so when I was invited to one of the events she was hosting, I was told it was a fashion show. So I thought its a Tuesday night, I’d nothing else on, and a load of the guys from the football team were going might be a bit of craic.

We arrived quite early to the nite club where it was taking place, and by show time I found myself part of a group of pissed up pale skinned blokes who’d had 6 or 7 Tiger beers and were looking forward to checking out the ladies (if you know what I mean).

To be fair to us (at this point in the story im still referring to US rather than THEM and I), we thought it was a fashion show, in a nite club and that it would be perfectly ok to be a bit lairy and photograph everything that moved - you’ve guessed the problem here haven’t you.

It was more than an hour or so in until we realised that we were actually watching (and a-whooping and a-hollering at) 15-16-17 year old girls parading around in sometimes not very much. I few of us started get back our peripheral vision and notice that we were the only ones making any noise, and that everyone else was looking at us (possibly parents).

If memory serves me, I was actually at the loo when the police arrived. Now, in Singapore the police don’t take any nonsense, I don’t mean they might grab you by the arm a bit tightly, I mean if you give any lip you can find your self with 10 lashes, and a month in Changi Prison on bread and water.

Fair to say I was reasonably concerned - it was miles more trouble than I’d ever been in before, but through the alcohol and the adrenaline of it there was part of me was quite excited. It wasn’t until afterwards I thought to myself,  this is the kinda thing could end up with me on the sex offenders register!

No one was actually arrested but we were told to leave, and it made the dammed news the next day! I learned a lesson about gradual escalation of jeopardy until you’re some where you don’t want to be. Similar to the frog vs. boiling water parable.

The Joy of Sky

Once in a while a piece of technology comes along, and within a short space of time you wonder how you ever survived without it. The mobile phone is the obvious recent addition - people genuinely find it hard to remember the days when people weren’t instantly contactable wherever they are, and arrangements don’t have to be finalised to a specific time and place - ‘I’ll text you when I get there’.

For me, one to add to this pantheon is Sky+ (pantheon is a strange word for me to use so much!). From about a week after I first got it, it completely changed the way I interacted with television - I was no longer bound to its schedules, rarely needing to remember to watch something at a certain time. I simply flick through the planner occasionally and mark things to record, that I think I might find interesting - doesn’t mater what obscure channel or obscure time.

A recent one being Heroes. This started on the Sci-fi channel about 4 months ago, I’d heard it was meant to be good, so I series linked it, then me and the mrs watched it (usually 2 a time) when we fancied a bit of tellie. I couldn’t have told you what time it was on, I just watched it when I wanted.

Not saying that I was ‘controlled’ by telly before Sky+ but its now a less passive medium for me. As you may have gathered I hold no truck with people who are snobby about TV, people who declare  oh, I don’t watch much TV    and think that its something to be proud off. I think that kind of person is usualy less informed about the world around them, and fails to fully embrace modern culture to grasp why things are what they are (Possibly over-egging it there - don’t get me started!).
This is certainly my geekist post - I’m the first to admit.

(how come any post I do which mentions Princess Diana gets about 50 more hits a day than anything else - its bizarre)

Happy for your friends?

Gore Vidal suggests that with every new success of a friend, another little bit of him dies. I’ve always thought that this is, if nothing else, a stunningly honest quote. Are we always genuinely happy for our friends or is there part of us that thinks, oh dear now that so-n-so is married/happy/rich it means I am less so in comparison. I think I have to admit that there are times when I feel that. It can’t say anything good about me - at least im in decent company, with Mr Vidal.

Recycling causing climate change?

I think recycling is great – waste is   well  a waste  and we should think about it more. But I do love it when something comes up like this.

Apparently there is now a reasonable argument, that its BETTER to use plastic non-biodegradable packaging, because when biodegradable things decompose, they give of methane, which is a greenhouse gas.

Not good news, I grant you… but I like it when the complexities of ‘the right thing’ come to the fore.

People who died on the same day

I was reading something in Wikipedia (as is my occasional want) about Mother Teresa, and found out that she died within a week of Princess Diana, I’ve no hard feelings about Diana, but perhaps she was handier to mourn than Teresa. (Incidentally my own mother died a few months before Diana - so it did seem a bit strange to see grown people weeping in the streets for someone they never met).

Another one of these occurrences is CS Lewis, the eminent British scholar and writer, who died the same day as JFK. And talking of Presidents, Jefferson and the first Adams went to that great rose garden in the sky within hours of each other in 1826. It is still unclear whether it was Frankie Howard or Benny Hill who had the last laugh as they died within hours of each other in 1992: Benny’s publicist issued a statement in his client’s name regretting the other’s death - ‘We were great, great friends’ - not realising that Benny was, in the deepest sense, unavailable for comment.

Defining yourself by what you aren’t

What is it with people calling themselves atheists these days (as if it’s new!). Why do people allow themselves to be labelled as the antipathy of something, rather that the positive assertion of something else. We don’t call Liberals unauthoritarians, or conservatives a-progressives, or dogs a-cats … it tells us very little about a persons world view. It also gives the upper hand to that which you are defining yourself against, as it then becomes your responsibly to justify why you don’t think something, rather than theirs to define why they do - which is logically lopsided.

It’s akin to a Christian, when asked, describing himself as a Gentile! It doesn’t really say much to say you are non-Jew.

That’s all I gotta say - annoys me a little… not a lot… but enough to get onto a blog post, which isn’t saying much.

Who’s this Shakespeare bloke?

I’ve said before, that my guilty pleasure is watching a bit of Big Brother now and again - not so much the actual show, but the analysis show on a Sunday. It’s a high grade social experiment - mixed with low-brow entertainment. Perfect. I know this is going to sound like ‘kids today! Huh! weren’t like that in my day etc’  but anyway, the favourite to win the show, Brian, was having a discussion the other housemates and he said ‘Who’s Shakespeare? Is he on telly?‘.

At first people thought he was joking, but no, he’s 21 year old, and never heard of Shakespeare. He even seemed stunned that everyone else had.

Really! How can someone go through school, live in this country and have actually never even heard the word Shakespeare? That’s not even a rhetorical question… I can’t fathom how it’s actually possible.

Animal extinction – should we care?

Last week there was world wide concern, nay despair (ok, maybe not despair) that the Yangtze River Dolphin might become extinct. Is it harsh to say that I don’t really care? Or for that mater about any extinction really… do we really miss the Dodo? Animals go extinct all the time, its not like we’re gonna run out - it’s the circle of life - survival of the fittest. Its a loosing battle to try and preserve the preservable.

And that’s pretty much all I have to say about that - lets be honest, not the most interesting post in the world. Nice pic though.

The best Hair-Metal Anthems of the 80s

Its time to sit back, reflect, turn on YouTube, and respect the hair!

Livin’ on a prayer - Bon Jovi
Here I go again - Whitesnake
Final Countdown - Europe
Animal - Def Leopard
Girls girls girls - Motley Crew
Every rose has its thorn - Poison
Welcome to the Jungle - Guns ‘n Roses

Does that about cover it?

What should I say to get off Jury Service?

In May I was called upon by her majesty to attend jury service, unfortunately/fortunately my wife gave birth to a baby the week before – which was very good of her, meaning I didn’t have to attend

It has however been rescheduled for October, and whilst, if I’m honest, im quite looking forward to it, I’ve been thinking of ways to not get picked for the jury – just for the laugh

• Just fall asleep after every question, for 10 seconds or so
• Every now and then, worriedly look sharply to the right, then quickly left
• At every tense moment hold my nose,  accusing the barrister of farting
• Say things like, I’ll be great at this, I can normally tell just by the look of them if they are guilty or not

ideas welcome…

I need a new radio breakfast show

I still listen to Chris Moyles in the mornings, you’d think this would be ok, as im about the same age as Moyles, but apparently Radio 1 is aimed at 15-25 year olds. Maybe its time for me to move on, the show itself does feel like its getting a bit past its sell by date.

But what else is there? I tried Wogan for a while – but just too boring, and not enough good tunes. I like the Radio 4 Today Show, but it can be a bit serious for a summer’s morning – and again no music.

I spent a month or two waking up to Bush & Troy on GWR. But then they had MO-vember which amounted to a tash growing contest for a month … ON THE RADIO. So I bid them farewell.

What should i do? Answers on a post card please to… ok, you can just leave a comment.

What business is it of mine?

I have a friend, who is shall we say, a “glass half empty” person. I think its quite an extreme case - since I’ve known him/her, her/his life has gone pretty well, they live a very comfortable middle class family life, and he/she doesn’t exactly have to work a 10 hour day down ‘pit to afford to buy bread for the family. Recently her/his moaning has started to annoying me - to the point were I have to stop myself saying ‘come on, it can’t be that bad! you lead a pretty easy and fulfilling life! It could be so much worse!’

Conversations sometimes don’t stray far from this template.  How was your week? sh1t. What will you be up to this week? sh1t stuff. you’re doing something nice the week after that though arn’t you? yeah, but it will be sh1t because of a,b,c.

The aim of this post is two fold (three if you count - QMonkey is struggling to find interesting things to talk about) - is this person actualy unhappy, or does he/she just enjoy a good moan? Will they ever wake up one day and think - oh, things aren’t so bad. My life is probably in the top 10% of ‘comfortable/happy’ in the country! Today is a new day woohoo!

Secondly, it’s none of my darn business in the slightest, why do I think it would ‘help’ for me to tell them what I think?… actually, I don’t for a minute think that it would - I just think it would make me feel better - maybe superior - maybe its me who has insecurities and I want to put her/him down to make me feel big. I will continue to fight the urge, and as the bard, Micheal Jackson said… start with the man in the mirror! Jamone!

I wish i’d taken more (any) Class-A drugs

Sage advice for my 3 month old son, im sure you’ll agree. Lets be honest though, when he’s old enough to read blogs we’ll be flying around with rocket packs and eating protein powder - blogs will be like the 8-track or the beta max, but less cool.

I don’t want to be a heroin addict stealing silverware from granny to pay for my fix (surprisingly). BUT, I do have a romantic vision of ‘wintering’ in Prague, living in a cramped, but grand old townhouse overlooking Wenceslas Square, hanging out with bohemian types, discussing great ideas while mixing strong Opium with Absinthe.

I then would move on to my Keef Richards stage, months on end summering in the south of France, having multicolor visions as ‘Mick’ plies me with LSD and Somalian Miraa.

I’m the first to admit that scientists are increasingly massing around the view that there are downsides to experimenting with mind-altering substances; maybe I just want a wild and bohemian themed holiday or a weekend with my mates at a Rolling Stones camp.

Unlikely to happen, I would say. But i’ll keep an eye out at the local Thomas Cook window.

Walking to the shops ‘damages planet more than going by car’

Walking does more than driving to cause global warming, a leading environmentalist has calculated.Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes. Provided, of course, they remembered to switch off the TV rather than leaving it on standby.

The sums were done by Chris Goodall, campaigning author of How to Live a Low-Carbon Life, based on the greenhouse gases created by intensive beef production. “Driving a typical UK car for 3 miles [4.8km] adds about 0.9 kg [2lb] of CO2 to the atmosphere,” he said, a calculation based on the Government’s official fuel emission figures. “If you walked instead, it would use about 180 calories. You’d need about 100g of beef to replace those calories, resulting in 3.6kg of emissions, or four times as much as driving.

So, THATS why im fat - it’s because i care about the environment!

Babies are a tough crowd

I’ve been given a wake up call on the merits of my comic performance recently… the more ‘gold’ I dish out to my 3 month old the less he seems to appreciate it.

Neither my lampooning of Mr Doggys wiggly eyes or my skit about the identity of his giraffe/cow mutant cuddly toy raises much of a smile. It’s like he’s saying to me… hey, HEY! Enough with that… make with the funny faces and the song about the moo moo cow.

I’m happy to refine my material